Ugh Winter

Winter is always a hard time for me. Ever since my mom passed away form Pancreatic cancer March of 2015, when I have fourteen, winter just kind of sucks in some ways. Christmas and New Years is always a little bit bitter sweet, her birthday in February is rough, March is rough. It has been that way since 2015 (honestly a little before that while my mom was living with cancer), but college has added a whole new level of suck to the mix.

Leaving my family to move back into college is both a relief and soul crushing (not to mention the guilt at feeling relief at all). Being ‘alone’ at college on mom’s birthday and having only a few people know why you’re sad, and even though they know why, they don’t really get it. Having to explain why your mom isn’t coming to Mom’s Weekend for your sorority to friends that just mean well, and everytime someone mentions it your heart rate speeds up and it feels like when you have too many blankets on your bed. Realizing that after five years you can no longer grieve in private because you share a room. Realizing that your mom never got to meet every friend you have except for one. Realizing you have changed so much since the last time you talked to your mom and you have so, so much to tell her. So much to ask her.

So yeah, winter kind of sucks, but I think that I’m finally getting to the point of grieving where I want to talk about everything that sucks. Because some stuff just does, and I have an amazing support system who can remind me that it’s okay to say that something sucks. But they also remind me that some stuff doesn’t like the fact that the dining hall has vegetarian lasagna today and it’s okay to feel happy about that, even though it’s mom’s birthday and she’s not here and that so totally sucks.

Snow Days

Snow days have always been some of my favorite days. I’m very much a homebody, so a day where you are specifically told not to do anything other than staying home obviously appeals to me. I like having the time to chill in my pajamas. I will say, however, that snow days in college have a whole new joy. No walking around in the slushy snow to get to class– getting the entire bottom half of your legs soaked to the bone in the process. No trying to figure out when during your day you can actually get your mountain of homework started. Snow days in college carry a different kind of relief.

Now, I’m not saying that my friends and I didn’t spend a fair amount of time lounging around (because we definitely did), I’m just saying that we weren’t making lists of movies to watch, but rather lists of work that we now had ample time to complete. We have had a total of two snow days this semester (only one that affected me), but somehow those few days were enough to make me feel like maybe I had some semblance of control over my growing number of assignments.

I think that college snow days hold a different kind of magic than those of elementary through high school. There is something about being stuck in a dorm with so many others in the same situation, that is just so much more joyful than having a snow day at home. I think that I saw more people moving about in the dorm those days than I have since welcome week. Everyone was just so happy to not have to go to class. Not to mention those in the dorm not from the area having a snow day for the first time. It’s the small things like that that made a snow day in college sort of magic.