Winter is always a hard time for me. Ever since my mom passed away form Pancreatic cancer March of 2015, when I have fourteen, winter just kind of sucks in some ways. Christmas and New Years is always a little bit bitter sweet, her birthday in February is rough, March is rough. It has been that way since 2015 (honestly a little before that while my mom was living with cancer), but college has added a whole new level of suck to the mix.
Leaving my family to move back into college is both a relief and soul crushing (not to mention the guilt at feeling relief at all). Being ‘alone’ at college on mom’s birthday and having only a few people know why you’re sad, and even though they know why, they don’t really get it. Having to explain why your mom isn’t coming to Mom’s Weekend for your sorority to friends that just mean well, and everytime someone mentions it your heart rate speeds up and it feels like when you have too many blankets on your bed. Realizing that after five years you can no longer grieve in private because you share a room. Realizing that your mom never got to meet every friend you have except for one. Realizing you have changed so much since the last time you talked to your mom and you have so, so much to tell her. So much to ask her.
So yeah, winter kind of sucks, but I think that I’m finally getting to the point of grieving where I want to talk about everything that sucks. Because some stuff just does, and I have an amazing support system who can remind me that it’s okay to say that something sucks. But they also remind me that some stuff doesn’t like the fact that the dining hall has vegetarian lasagna today and it’s okay to feel happy about that, even though it’s mom’s birthday and she’s not here and that so totally sucks.